Benicia Love Poem: No Last Goodbye

No Last Goodbye by Evie Groch

I didn’t tell her I loved her
as I left for the conference
in San Diego.
She would leave me as I
left her, alone.

Alone in her world in
her bed of confusion and pain,
with a roommate who
wished her gone and
no loving hands to
smooth her hair and
put water to her lips.

Abandoned in Danville
in an assisted nursing unit,
a step down from
mere assistance and the
last step before the end.
No more painting, no
more pressing flowers,
or playing bingo, a game
at which she excelled,
balancing five cards
like a pro.
Just bed,
eyes shut,
waiting. 

The scene had played
itself out many times before,
never allowing a clue as
to when the time would come.

I didn’t know this time was
the last. Many times had
been the last before.
Only two days, I would be back
to put the weight back on
my shoulders and steel myself
for the assaults, but
the call came in the morning
shortly after my plane
had landed and
I had arrived
at the hotel. 

Calmly I walked
out of the conference
appearing serene
to a fault as
I made my reservation
for my flight home.

Life was flowing
around me and
no one knew what
had just happened.
I acted normal too
guessing they
wouldn’t care
to know what
faced me at home.

Sadness, relief,
guilt, anxiety, and
no chance to ask
forgiveness or
say goodbye, as I
had said many
times before.
Her constant and
frequent visitor no
longer had a need
to visit. The next
visit would be
at the funeral
and future visits
at the gravesite.

Rest In Peace,
we put on her
headstone and
hoped it would
be true. I did
love my mother,
in spite of herself,
and say it often now.