But I Don't Want to Pump My Own Gas!

I know this is coming about fifteen years too late, but am I the only person in California who thinks we shouldn't have to pump our own gas if we don't want to? Is it just me that thinks there should be at least one island with full-service? 

 I know the answer to my question, because ever since I've become a "gas station attendant", I've tried to get people to agree with me, and in all that time, there has never been one person who has. They don't even seem to know what I'm talking about. I'm talking 15 to 20 years here!

Because I always have some sort of problem with my credit card or a broken pump, I'm always on the edge of a breakdown. Just ask any cashier inside any local station, and they'll say, "Oh, her...Just ignore her. She's crazy." They're right, I am crazed because I'm not qualified to be a gas station attendant and I don't want to be.  I have so many issues at the pump, I usually start cursing at the machine (not easy while holding my nose) or talking to myself in frustration, asking, "Why?" Sometimes a voice from inside the station startles me on the microphone: "You gotta put the card in the other way." That bugs me too, because I know how to do it, it just doesn't work for me! And besides, what are these people doing, spying on me? Gosh, it's hard being me... 

The following is a list of reasons why we shouldn't be required to do this ourselves: 

1. You're all dressed up for the Annual Rag Picker's Ball. The tank is empty and you and your formal gown have to play jump rope with a gas hose.  Everywhere you look is oil, grease and grime. You should have planned ahead...

 2. You're on your way to the doctor because you're sick. You look and feel horrible, but that's just toooo bad. Get your nauseated you-know-what out of the car and pump that gas! The smell of the toxic poisons are good for you.

3. You get lost late at night and end up in Violenceville on empty. I happen to have experience in this area. What's the big deal about being lost, at 2:30 am, in a gas station full of male criminal types and helicopters swirling overhead? The conditions were awful. All I could do was pray and hope that none of them saw what a "dish" (of ham) I was, before I was attacked. If I hadn't needed gas so desperately, I would have burned rubber to get away, but at least I got to stay to see the shootout. 

4. You're handicapped, elderly, pregnant, asthmatic, have arthritis, or any ailment, but you still have to rough it and do what used to be someone else's job. It could be cold and stormy or maybe you just look like a slob. We have drive-thru restaurants, drive-thru pharmacies and drive-thru donuts, for convenience. Don't tell me that soon we'll be making our own Big Macs, Krispy Cremes and dispensing drugs! At first we may complain, but after a while, we won't even question it. "That's just the way it is", they'll say.  I want to know why everyone just goes with the flow without asking why?  When I go with the flow, the only thing that flows is the gas - all over the ground. 

Whenever I scream on someone's shoulder about any of this, I've often heard: "All you have to do is get a handicapped sticker, pull up to the curb and they'll come out and help you." Wrong. I once saw a poor elderly woman do that for 20 minutes. Those cashiers don't care about that! All they care about is selling potato chips, lottery tickets and energy drinks. I ended up gassing up her Pacer! Now that I think of it, I guess I should have checked her oil.

Another gem of wisdom I almost always get, is, "Well, you know, in Oregon, it's against the law to pump your own."  I know, I know, but am I supposed to move there just so I can get my gas tank filled? Or should I just drive there when I need gas?  Then, there's always, "Get somebody else to do it for you." Why should I have to burden anyone else with that? Something's wrong with this whole picture and people are missing the point. I don't want to pump my own gas! It didn't used to be like this in the good old days.

Pumping the gas isn't my only concern. I think it's preposterous to make a woman get down on her hands and knees to check the tire pressure. If you're the kind of woman who doesn't mind, go ahead, but I'm not that woman. The last time I tried filling my tire with air, it went completely flat. I had to have a Hell's Angel do it for me. Never met the man, tried to pay him, but he refused and I felt guilty. Why should I have to rely on the kindness of strangers? 

Most of all, I really don't understand why nobody mentions the dangers of this DIY gas-pumping experience. They used to have the warning sign at eye level, but now they've been moved to foot level. Pretty sneaky, huh? I think they're trying to kill us and hope we don't see the signs. Here's what the signs say: "Chemicals known to the state to cause cancer, birth defects or other reproductive harm, are found in gasoline, crude oil and many other petroleum products and their vapors, or result from their use. Read and follow label directions and use care when handling or using all petroleum products." Translation: Breathe in, breathe out. Ohm~~~ It's all good, 24/7, with no worries and you're good to go (to the hospital...)

I can't figure out if we're going forward or backwards, but in my mind, this is not progress. Who do I have to talk to to get an answer that makes some sense? I've already asked all the wrong people.  If I get one comment that backs me up, I'll fall over in disbelief.  I have just about had it with this do-it-yourself stuff. The next thing you know, we'll be milking our own cows! That's where I draw the line.  Because it would be "udderly" ridiculous, it's probably already in the works. What do you think? Could that happen?