Procrastination Station

Last week I was attempting to clean out the garage and while combing through some of the plastic bins, I saw things I'd completely forgotten about, things I (at one time) had convinced myself that I desperately needed. The first thing I saw was a VHS tape called "Learning to Play the Piano Overnight". It was still in the wrapper with the cardboard keyboard. I guess I could convert it to DVD, but how likely is that? I also found a book I'd never read called "Potty Training Your Toddler in 24 Hours". My "toddler" is 28 years old. Did I get rid of these things? What do you think?

There was also a box crammed full of business cards, addresses and advertising brochures for businesses I thought I may need one day. One of the ones I kept was in mint condition from a landscape designer named Mr. Tingle. The pictures of his work were impressive and I had planned to use him. It was dated 1999 and signed with the owner's signature. He was laid to rest in 2002...Now that he's a dead man, I really don't have the heart to get rid of it. I feel so badly about not using him. What do I do about this pressing problem?

I found another book called, "Getting Organized in Your Office". If I'd known how easy it was to do, I'd have read it decades (and I DO mean decades) before. I finally decided to read it last week.  On the first page it said, Here are the supplies you will need: typewriter, paper, carbon paper, pens and pencils, paper clips, stapler, stamps, business envelopes, ruler, scotch tape, rubber bands and manila folders. That was one fast read! Even though it was grossly outdated, I kept it, thinking maybe The Smithsonian might want to take a look at such an oddity. Maybe they could put it next to Archie Bunker's chair, when life was so much easier.

Some of the books I've collected throughout the years, are those little books you buy at the checkstands in grocery stores. The first time my husband caught me reading one of them, he said, "I was wondering who bought those!" Ehh, buzz off, Mac! It's my life and I have a right to buy a book that costs only $1.25 that just happens to be chocked full of little jewels, like "50 Ways to Love Your Liver"

For someone who's not that well-read, I certainly have a vast collection of books. I found one called, "The Best Herbs to Take After 50".  Not one page has been read and I'll be 64 freaking years old next week! My "Oh My Aching Feet" book has been read, but I hate to get rid of it. It's got a lot of pictures that make me laugh. There's nothing I like more than examining pictures of foot conditions, like bunion deformities or hammertoes. What's wrong with me!

I also have a huge collection of brochures I've taken from doctor's offices throughout the years. There's one called, "You and Your Gall Bladder", "When Your Child is Contrary", "How to Recognize Clubbed Feet" (What good is that gonna do me?), "What's in a Scar?", Scabies, Shingles, Warts, Saliva, Floaters and Flashers, "Menstruation and You" (Huh? I'm old and my child is a boy.),"Old Age Liver Spots Won't Kill You", Vascular Birthmarks, Moles, Hives, Teen- aged Acne, Mature Skin, Rosacea, Restless Leg Syndrome (which triggers actual attacks from me - Why don't I just get rid of it?), "Acid Reflux Disease and You", Migraine Headaches and Gout. Gout is usually a man's disease, but I have the brochure anyway. You never know when I might want to change my gender. 

I've always been interested in medical things and love to look at pictures of different body parts (or dysfunction of). I once had a two-day temp job, where I was supposed to cut and paste pictures of guts into a catalog. I spent so much time observing organs, seepage and ganglion vestibules, the boss fired me after one day. He said I was too slow or some BS. He needed someone who had no interest in adrenal glands, goiters, Heberdens nodes or carbuncles. I'm sure he had no problem replacing me and I really wasn't that upset, because by the time I got home, I felt like I had every disease I'd pasted in that catalog! I'm like the female version of Woody Allen. Men, please try not to tell me about your prostrate problems. I guarantee I will feel your pain. I had that problem once when a close friend had it, and believe me, ladies, it's no picnic!

 I really do think I may be borderline insane, which reminds me of something a complete stranger said to me recently. For the life of me I can't remember the situation I was in, but a woman walked up to me and asked if I'd ever been institutionalized. I said, "No, but I'd like to be." I wondered how she'd picked up on the fact that I may be different from "the others". I'd never seen her in my life! Maybe she's been stalking me for years.  Maybe she was the one who needed institutionalizing...Maybe she's the one who could help me not live in Procrastination Station. Maybe she's just a crazed procrastinator herself.