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Health & Fitness

Two Tricky Halloween Parties

Don't Let This Happen to You

My first memory of Halloween was when I was seven years old. I was invited to a Halloween party and was so excited because I loved getting dressed up as someone else, anyone else, but me. With all the insults I was used to receiving, I thought of going as a dartboard, but that costume would be complicated to make. 

Always enthusiastic, yet eager to fit in, I dressed myself up as the best hobo I could be. I had a stick with a long string and a bag of rags attached to it. I was wearing the crummiest clothes I could find and put dirt all over myself. As I left my house that evening, I ran down the street to the party, feeling very proud of myself for managing to put the whole look together without anyone's help. This was gonna be one fun party. I couldn't wait to get there! 

As soon as the door opened, I was shocked to see twenty other kids who were dressed like kids on "Leave it to Beaver" parties. The boys were wearing suits and the girls wore dresses with sashes and pinafores. I was crushed when I heard simultaneous laughter and saw them mocking and pointing at me. I remember thinking, "Am I at the wrong party or did I just screw up again?"

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This was some heavy you-know-what for an-overly sensitive, forty two pound kid whose mother was dying of cancer. I ran home crying and cried for hours. To me, this was not trick or treat. It was a trick of deceit! I wish I'd been old enough to cuss, but I wasn't. 

Another Halloween extravaganza was when I gave my son, Michael, a Halloween party when he was ten years old. I tend to overdo things and invited thirty of his closest friends. My doting husband decided it would be too much for him to stick around and help, so as usual, I did everything myself. He said something like, "It was your idea. See you around, old pal.", then left. I knew it was for the best anyway. He was about as much fun as a dead stump. 

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Thankfully, I did have my friend, Julie, who stayed and helped me with these little devils. We'd lived on the same small cul de sac for seven years when our sons were growing up. We knew each other well. I was a softy and she knew how to keep kids in line, in a caring way. She had structure. I had ruptures (in my brain). 

My big talent with kids was getting them so wound up, they were bouncing off walls without sugar. I remember Julie had often told me that after I'd left her house, she had a hard time calming her kids down. Kids love me but I'm a doormat. I once worked at a daycare center and the kids tied me to a fence.  At least I had enough authority to convince them to untie me before they set me on fire! 

The house was decorated with originality and Michael and I had fun hanging my Aunt Dorothy's crooked portrait on the wall. We were having a perfect party, that is... until it started. Thirty kids and two chaperones equaled disaster. Every time the noise level increased, I almost lost whatever sanity I had left. I think I was having flashbacks of a childhood where I was forced to take care of five younger siblings when I was just a kid myself. My only form of control in those days was yelling, "Shut Upppp!", and I wasn't gonna let that happen with other people's children, or my own. I was thankful for Julie's help.

When I tried to get the punch into a "Witches Brew" cauldron, the dry ice instructions said: Danger! I can't remember what the possibilities were, but I wasn't dumb enough to take any risks. At precisely the time I needed to focus, one of the boys (who was a braniac) started asking me questions like, "Miss Peggy, I wonder how many constellations there are in the vast solar idiosyncrasies of the universal ball joints."  Huh? At the time, I could barely remember who I was, so it was hard to talk about such complex issues. I think I told him to go look it up in his "Funk and Wagnalls" and while he was at it, find out the meaning of antidisestablishmentarianism. I've got dry ice here!  

At one point, Julie could see how nervous I was getting and found it to be extremely amusing. I guess watching an even crazier version of me was a comical sight. Every time we looked at each other we laughed. The kids were having so much fun! One kid was walking on the piano keys, while others played it like Dracula before a big night of blood-sucking. Someone brought my son's electric guitar out and one started playing drums. I've heard less noise at a Metallica concert! I toyed with the idea of spiking their punch with something, but I knew a life behind bars would be even worse than that night. 

I should have spiked my punch, but I guess I wasn't thinking straight. To think that I'd had access to hemlock and forgot to use it on myself...I could have ended the party in style, with me in a real coffin and a hearse in the driveway! 

By the end of the night, some of the drapes had been yanked off of the windows and were now on the floor covered in green slime. There was a food fight that neither of us could stop. The floor was sloppy with punch, candy, popcorn balls and bits and pieces from costumes. I secretly hoped the neighbors would call the police to put an end to our misery, but we weren't fortunate enough to be reported. In my opinion, every single one of us should have been sent to jail for disturbing the peace.

I looked for my son and found him sitting on the floor by a closet. He had a blanket covering himself and was crying. He cried out, "This isn't the way it was supposed to be!" I looked at him and said, "I know, honey". It was at that moment I realized I'd given him this party to try and make up for my own sad Halloween experience. Hello?!? That didn't work either...

As soon as the last parent had picked up their kids and Julie and I had cleaned up the "kid explosion", guess who decided to show his face? That's right...It was Mr. Peggy - Mr. Slide Through Life Without Participating. "Did you have fun?", he asked. "Oh yeahhh. It was like a day at the spa!", I snapped. "How was the movie and how long will it take you to gather your worldly goods into a hobo sack, you lousy, stinking anti-Halloweener!?!" 

In my next life, I'm marrying Julie... 

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