Finding Our Way In The Wild

Wild by Cheryl Strayed is a gut punch of a story. The visceral rawness of her mothers death is staggering, and upon the heels of such a complete loss, her marriage imploded.

From the first few pages of my most recent read, I realized exactly why her book has been a best seller. The fact is that her story is at times hard to stomach, but also honestly and wrenchingly real and as beautiful as it is painful. Her voice is so clear that as I was reading I could almost hear her talking to me, telling me all about her mother's untimely death, the disintegration of her marriage, her crushing lows, and her mistakes in making key choices in her life, altering her trajectory and bringing a world of hurt down upon herself. She is so real, so accessible, and I admire her ability to relate her feelings onto the pages in such an identifiable way. Strayed has suffered, as she will tell you, and most of it was by her own hands. I was at turns disgusted, inspired, and at several points felt my eyes wet with tears, her anguish so palpable that I could feel it sting in my own heart.

The story is that of Strayed's inexperienced hike on the PCT (Pacific Crest Trail) from beginning to end, all the people she met and how the trail changed her, holding her and her grief with its unpredictable terrain and inclement weather. At points, she cries out to her mother in the wilderness, her beloved mother that she will never see again, never talk to, never yell at. She talks about the kind of person her mother was, how she dedicated so much to her offspring and lost her chance to live as a person that has raised children and is free to live their life as their own without dependents. After such passages, I wanted to take my own mother in my arms and tell her how thankful I am just to HAVE her, alive and kicking, no matter what has happened in our history of mother and daughter-ship. I wish that this author still had her mother, for she was her anchor, and as the author put it, the glue that held their family together. Having a mother that would do anything for you and loves you fathomlessly is so crucial for a young woman, and to go without such a mother can be devastating. Through the course of her journey, Strayed discovers truths about herself that were previously hidden, now brought to the surface by struggle and tumult.

It's common knowledge that divorce is messy and terrible. I know this reality firsthand, as many do; I was wed when I was much too young and naive to make such a binding commitment and the marriage was painful and short lived- he left me for someone that he'd been involved with for quite a while. Days before Christmas. Ouch.

The force of his need to be free of me broke me as a person, sent fault lines down into my soul that seemed unhealable, unfillable. It was as if I'd been driven to an untamed and dangerous place and suddenly shoved out of the safety of the vehicle with no means to protect myself. I was crushed beyond all reason, but my motherhood demanded me to pick myself up and dust my tokhes off because I was suddenly a single parent. I had little people depending on me to keep on living as if I were whole. It was a simple choice; fake it till I make it, or fall to pieces and admit defeat. I'm happy to say that I chose the former, and am still successfully singly parenting my kiddos. It's been 8 years now that I have been a single parent, and it has been an uphill battle in every sense.

I didn't want to live with another man until he proved himself worthy of my children and me, so I have not shared a home with a man since I was married. I am proud of this-I have accomplished what some women fear: being the One In Charge (aka the breadwinner that takes out the trash and kills the spiders). Rising to the occasion has tempered and molded me in magnificent ways, and I am happy with who I am and what I've accomplished thus far.

Living without a man to help with the every day things has also taught me to depend upon my own limitless strengths and admit to my weaknesses, because with recognition comes acceptance. I am also quick to remind myself (as my daddy always said, remember?) that there is room for improvement. I am always evolving, but I am fixed and constant in the choices and actions that benefit my children.

There are many things we go through in our lives that will challenge us, compel us to evolve into better creatures, but these challenges can also turn us to the wrong things- choices that perpetuate self abuse and self loathing. With the prevalence of divorce in our society (I think it's nearly 50% now), it's no wonder that so many people lose themselves in a hole of depression and often turn to alcohol or drugs or rootless sex in an attempt to dilute the pain. We stilt ourselves emotionally and waste ourselves physically attempting to somehow get to the other side of that insurmountable summit of anguish.

As a divorcee and child of still-married parents, I often think about how our lives and our children's lives are affected by this ever growing horror. The act of divorce is the death of marriage; utilizing a good amount of time to mourn and reflect is necessary to the healing and recovery process, but we very rarely take the time to do so. Often, a freshly divorced (or freshly separated) person is already on the online dating sites, out at the bars, and pursuing meaningless or empty exchanges to drown their sorrows. My way of avoiding and therefore prolonging the heartbreak of being abandoned by my mate was to make some pretty unwise choices. In the immediate wake of being sued for divorce, I was absolutely terrified, but the eventuality was that my children literally sustained my life. I was fortunate enough to recognize that my existence wasn't all about me, it was about my children and being the best mother they could have. In that way, I was saved.

Divorce does not stand alone in its ability to destroy a person. Losing a parent can also be shattering. I (so very thankfully) have never experienced this sorrow, and hope not to for a long time. I recently told my Mother that she and my Dad need to be planning to live well into their hundreds, because I am nowhere near ready for them to go, and I never will be. When the inevitable finally happens, I know I will be struck down in my grief, because try as we might to prepare, we are never ready to let a beloved parent go.

Perhaps you've experienced one or both of these life-changing events and can recall what you felt and how these experiences changed you, or didn't? In the course of reading Wild, I identified with the often gritty reality that was the undercurrent of the authors voice.

I try not to make it a habit of recommending hardcover books, this one happens to be on the indie best seller list right now, so that softens the blow a bit, I hope. As you may or may not know, Bookshop Benicia offers a 20% discount on the top 10 current fiction and non-fiction hardcover best sellers on the indie bestseller list.

So often, writers can turn to self pity, but Strayed avoids descending into such boorish nonsense. Her story is told in an unapologetic, factual way that doesn't pull any punches. Please be advised that there is quite a bit of profanity in this book, as it is very realistically told. I've just heard that Wild is now Oprah's book club pick, and I want to tell you that I had no intention of recommending an "Oprah" book, but this one speaks for itself and has had many glowing reviews honoring it in the short time since its publication.

Authors like this remind me of what a monumental mess we can make of our lives, but also of how we can be redeemed, and how the love of others can change us in ways we never dreamed possible. A story of true struggle and recovery, Wild has something to teach us all.

Onward and bookward, dear readers.

 Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail By Cheryl Strayed (Autobiography-Hardcover-$25.95-Knopf Publishing Group-315 Pages-ISBN 9780307592736)